A Want That Makes You Sick

Have you ever wanted something so badly it makes you feel physically sick? Well, if you haven’t you’re lucky. It’s not a good feeling. And the problem with this type of feeling is that there are only two ways to deal with it. Get what you want (everyone wants to get what they want), or be okay with not getting what you want. Wanting something this badly only comes around when the alternative is an unknown. That’s what I’m facing.

There’s this thing I want and if I get it, I’ll be able to live a much more comfortable life. I may even be able to justify getting a dog, which is high on my priorities right now. If I don’t get this thing I want, then I just have no idea, and I mean NO idea what is going to happen. This isn’t a situation of life and death, don’t worry. It is a situation of security though. What would you give, or how would you feel if your livelihood was on the line. And either you’ll get something that improves, or ensures your livelihood, or you won’t get that thing and you face the unknown all over again.

The unknown is always scary. It’s something I’ve faced before, and in some ways we all face it everyday of our lives. We can’t know what will happen each day we wake up. Only make informed predictions. It’s a bit like weather–but who knows, maybe you’ll stumble upon a golden ticket today, or maybe an asteroid will hit the earth and you won’t have to worry about this shit anyway. Sometimes I think that might be the best thing for all of us.

The unknown, for me, is only scary if I have to continue to exist, and seeing as I don’t believe in an afterlife, the greatest unknown doesn’t scare me much–though I must say the thought of nonexistence is a difficult one to wrap my head around. All I get is darkness, but even darkness is something. So–how do I deal with this WANT feeling that is giving me snakes in my stomach? Well meditation helps. Taking a couple deep breaths here and there. But I also need to find an alternative. At this point I don’t think I’ll get what I want out of PLAN A, so now I’m on to PLAN B. Problem is–I’m not even sure what PLAN B is.

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