6/1/15 We Don’t Talk

We Just Don’t Talk

 

Have you ever loved someone you just never talk to? It’s one of those relationships that could have gone the distance. Maybe she’s the one for you, right? All your friends tried to get with her, but none of them did, and at that point I wondered, just maybe, maybe she’s waiting for you.

But you lived together. You needed a place and I found her on craigslist and met in a coffee shop because she was afraid you were a creeper. You spoke for an hour, she asked if you would like to see the apartment (two bedrooms of course) and then I just never left. But this was all before you knew her. She was just a pretty girl back then.

On thursday nights she invited you out to the bar. It was deal night, two-fifty for pints–anything on tap–and we might drink ourselves silly and talk and talk and talk, yelling over the live band.

Have you ever woken up and wondered how you got home? Maybe I drove; it’s a scary thought. Maybe she drove, but that wouldn’t have been any better. And when you sit up you realize she’s in your bed. You’re fairly certain nothing happened. You just fell asleep in each others arms and that was all it was, or that was what we told one another when she woke up.

Have you ever seen Harold and Mod? I still haven’t seen it, even though it is one of her favorite movies. Maybe you tried to watch it while wrapped in blankets with her on her bed. But you couldn’t keep your eyes open, and told her so. Maybe, as you dozed off I heard her whisper in the night. Maybe she said words I had hoped to hear but feared as well. I’m not tired.

The next morning you’re not sure if you made a mistake, and as she left for work I could tell she felt the same way. You wondered when the talk would be, as there would surely be one.

It came that night. You didn’t know what to say. What did I think? Had it been something you were hoping for? I wasn’t sure. We lived together, she reminded you. It was a bad idea if you lived together. You agreed with your lips, but not with your heart.

You didn’t fall asleep together for a long time. She asked you to, but I needed space, I couldn’t be that for her then. You closed the door quietly but deliberately, her frown visible in your mind.

You watched boyfriends come and go, and you were always the girls guy friend. Wherever we went people would ask if we were together. No you told them. Why not, they asked. We shrugged. Neither of us knew.

When she moved out I thought there was a chance. But she still had a boyfriend, and you wouldn’t bring it up if she didn’t. Jealousy would be the wrong word for how I felt. She was not yours to keep, and you were always there when other men fell by the wayside, and new ones came to replace them.

She broke up with her boyfriend. It could have happened then, and if it had, maybe things would have been different. But I had met a girl a week before. Ultimately I picked a girlfriend I was not friends with. It wasn’t a mistake, it was just a different choice. She would tell you she was jealous of the girl you picked.

When she moved out of state you were sad, but didn’t let on. Once, when she visited you alone, you both got drunk and it was like she had never left and the other significant others didn’t exist. I remember the way she felt tucked up against you as we fell asleep. In the morning you looked at each other and agreed to never talk about what had happened.

You got her invitation in the mail. The marriage was so far away you wouldn’t be able to attend. I wondered if I’d be able to sit through that with a clear conscience. Would I be the man who speaks up? I wouldn’t, because I didn’t go.

We just don’t talk anymore. We call each other every so often. But when she picks up she can’t talk just then. When she calls, I watch the name appear on the screen and my heart skips. But then I let it ring. When I listen to the message her voice is tired, not how I remember it. And maybe, maybe she’s remembering lost opportunities as well.

5/24/15 My Fullest Trust

Trust is not a simple thing.

It is a growing pleasure.

It is earned day to day.

Your trust is my half-moon.

My starry night.

My favorite song.

Trust is not a given gift.

It is an earned one.

My trust is not as strong,

Or perhaps my insecurities have a deep taproot.

 

I feel vulnerable,

though you have shown more willingness.

I have no crushes, no eyes for fashion

or style–and so do not comment on

appearances.

 

I must repay your faith in me.

I must sever the roots for the trust of you.

For foolish I will never make you feel,

For your trust is worth more

than all the pearls in all the oysters in all the sea.

And you are worth everything I can give,

my fullest trust, for starters.

4/29/15 Led Astray

I might pull you close,

you’d push me away,

I feel as though I’ve been led astray.

 

The latest nights I’ve had

Sleeping in ‘til dusk

Everything about us is rushed.

 

Laughing ‘til I ache

Longing parts of you

Waiting for the sky to be so blue.

 

Stepping up the path

Hold you from behind

I don’t mind if I go blind.

 

Understanding you

You understanding me

This will take us places I can’t foresee.

 

I’ll ache until I burn

And maybe we will learn

That we can be happy and different.

 

So don’t push me away–

I don’t believe in thirds,

But I want this work if we don’t have words.